an sos call

the end.
from this point on, i will never look for you again.
i will never wish to think of you, or dream of you or wish for you.
this infatuation hurts more than is healthy.
and the pain equates to misery which is fair to noone.
without you i am miserable at best.
because it was such a childish fantasy.
i never believed in league tables.
but now i fully understand.
i have transcended down below into the abyss of the atlantic.
belonging admist the freezing temperatures and endless canyons.
solitude is far from a reculse. as is loneliness.
masquarade the truth my dear,
i'll admit it's a case of the 'good old.'
apart from it is neither 'good' nor 'old'.
jesse knew.
'love is a risk and you'll always get hit out of nowhere and end up on your own.'
jesse knew.
jesse knows.
jesse. knew.
it was never fair. or easy. or simple. or happy all the time.
it could never last for.ever.
nothing lasts. for.ever.
there are no 'one more days.'
this.is.the.end.
as if an ephipone is to be reached.
it is the last day.
tomorrow is the last day.
yesterday is the last day.
today is the last day.
this story is old.
and it does continue.
but jesse. knew.
need you like watter in my lungs.
you were the dreams my heart held true
the inspiration for my downfalls.
naivity.
as much as i want to believe,
as much as the superstitions to dream true,
i'd have thought it'd be all too obvious by now.
i thought that this is what you want,
a funeral keeps both of us apart,
you know that you are not alone,
need.you.like.water.in.my.lungs.
this.is.the.end.

i don't know what anyone can see

dayyyyyy

pot calling kettle black
how can my advice help others
and yet i'm a suffering welp.
jezze.
banana had no idea.

time to lay claim to the evidence

day

all time lows.
defeat. mercy. wounded. pain.
questions circualting,
the web evolving.
defeat. surrender.
confused over nothing
or something or everything.
defeat. white flag. white dove.
i give in.
fate didn't provide signs.
instinct left heartache and suffering
and confusement and defeat
and above all surrender.
i can't be the victor if the battle is against my heart.
i can't win if the battle's tearing me apart.
i can't suceed if i don't know what i'm fighting for.
thinking right made wrong. maybe.
fuck this shit.
too much hurt,
too much sacralage,
too much carnage.

maybe i should call me an ambulance

day one. (again.)

changed came and went.
as it always does.
but acknowladgment and acceptance means new attempts.
failed attempts. wasted breath.
'i can't take no more regret.'
then abandon regret. replace.
keep the memories. and the pain.
the good, the bad, and most importantly, the ugly.
each to his own means everyone has bagage.
allow. and accept. and evolve.
yesterday, today, tomorrow.
the circle continues.
i'll stay stationary.
but reformed. :]

if only i'd though of the right words

day twelve.

it reads like a cliché of alternative taste.
a reading list for the impoverished and deprived-
unable to formulate their own opinion.
spoon feeding the masses.
ironically, it was due to being different that it occured.
branching out meant the road of the cliché.
how. ironic.
figureheads for the movement.
when robert smith becomes martin luther king jr.
how. ironic.
civil rights and civil liberties.
freedom, supremecy, of the individual.
without. judgement.
spoon feeding the masses.
when the heard becomes a heard.
when the one becomes a heard.
when one eighty became two zeros.
all to be different. and yet oh so the same.
day twelve presents mutliple challenges.
as does the spoonfeeding.
the expansion of the mind to the obsession
on nick and norah.
spoon. fed.
and in the awakening and the broadening
the mind becomes narrowed to focusing on one issue.
the one issue. that issue. the escape.
challenges, thus, re-emerge. or re-surface.
to combined with the date. the events. the time.
01:32.
more than a number. more than an hour.
the places that i should have been.
the place where i should be.
the people, the occurences, the possibilities.
the ifs, buts, probably not.
'why are they not here? why is she not here?
i really thought they would come this time!
i really thought she would come this time.'
'next time. i'm sure they'll show next time.'
'this was the next time. it's the never time. it's the last time.
[i put my faith in, so much faith in, you just threw it away.]'
possibilties. 8th deadly sin. imagination 9th.
one. infatuation.
two. obsession.
three. the possibility.
four. imagination.
five. desire.
six. glutony.
seven. impossibility.
seven deadly sins. beyond. the. realm.
seven.
i loved you seven.
imagination again. tick four.
lies. didn't make the list.
the.list.
the infinite playlist.

they travel fast and alone

day nine

two steps forward, seven steps back
and so it must all begin again.
suffering allows for the cracks to develop
or re-develop may be the more appropriate term.
a cocktail of determination, strength and will-power.
it will be achieveable.
set. your. goals. more like
a new found glory.
regretfull, remoursefull but inspired.
be.inspire.ed.

does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

day seven.

infatuation so easily (and readily) turns to obsession.
is that how it's meant to be.
conitunal fixations to distract from the reality.
it's a better life.
dellusion. feed the delude.
rather than face the truth.
marx had it to a 't'.
religion evolved to encapsulate a whole feast of allusions
or illusions.
never a single thing.
it never was so simple. so mono.
one. thing.
or it would have been nothing.
and as circles would have it
there'd have been no desire,
no need, no purpose. no. thing.
love is not a thing.
emotion is not a thing.
a dellusion. a personification.
and abstraction. a christening.
call me 'x' and i will be x
name me 'y' therefore i am y.
i have female genitaliar therefore i am a girl
therefore i will be a woman and a lesser human.
call me retribution
for i have speculation.
i have obsession.
and imagination.
and optimisim.
i am hot and cold.
i am contradiction and hypocrasy and all
the things i loathed to be.
and yet contementment will never be achieved
for i am delluded and deceived.
by myself and by my dreams.
by society and its impositions.
unavoidable, unattainable. indigestible.
this is white. this is black.
this is everything presented to you.
and the best part of believe
will always be the lie.